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Losing Hope |
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Dear Dr Tic I am a hard working college student who has been in school for some time now working on my degree. I am in my mid twenties and have been in a fully committed relationship with my partner for five years but things are a wreck. My partner (also in his mid twenties) promised to get his GED when we first started dating. He has no ambitions, is bi-polar and has some other underlying mental disorders. Our sex life has soured and I think I am losing my attraction to him. I love this guy and it’s not as easy finding another partner with the same long term goals. We both want kid’s (it’s hard to find a young gay males who knows he wants kids), we both have the same views, we both like being monogamous and we both don’t really care for the gay culture. - these are factors that I don’t think I could find in someone else. I have tried communicating with him about my concerns but he doesn’t seem to respond or want to talk about it because it starts him on his mental disorders. He always leaves everything up to me in everything we do and it drives me crazy! I feel lost and hopeless. Lately at school I have been fantasizing about a new relationship and how good it could be. I think I am starting to crack and it's affecting everything in my hectic life. I just don’t want to make any mistakes. Sure a new relationship would be nice for a while but ultimately it would end up being the same boring relationship so why shouldn’t I try and fix mine now? I think my stupid hopeless romantic side of me is back on the market without the rest of me. Please help! Sincerely, Losing Hope Dear Finding Hope, Not all relationships are destined for unrelenting partnership, especially when one of the parties involved isn't willing to invest in him/herself or the relationship over the long-term. While it certainly isn't possible for all partners to give 100% of themselves to a relationship 100% of the time, relationships take work. It sounds like you've made attempts to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, in a non-threatening environment (I assume), without success. You've shared your hopes and desires and your willingness to support your partner with his mental issues (I assume). Despite your best attempts, you've not succeeded. It's perhaps time to take a step back. I encourage you to help your partner get the professional help it sounds like he so desperately needs. But remember, you can't make someone else see their own short-comings, only they can do that themselves. Encourage your partner to get help and work on seeing the wonderful person that he is. I encourage you to take some time for yourself as well. You needn't rush into another relationship. Take some time to explore the world and find things that you enjoy doing. Take a deep breath and proceed cautiously ... but do proceed - there's no point in maintaining the status quo of unhappiness. Good luck. With love,  Roman Tic Dear Losing Hope, In one’s late teens and early twenties, life is about having fun, experiencing life, and living in the moment. Then, usually in our mid twenties, somehow reality registers, and we realize we have at least 60 more years ahead of us and we better make plans. It’s great that you are on your way to a degree and have thought about what you want in your future – a career, a committed relationship, and children. Not everyone has such clear insight. It’s also good that you have shared your concerns with your partner’s lack of “ambition” with him. What concerns me is that you maybe enabling him to keep everything status quo. By making all the plans and taking a leader-like role in his life, he does not have to make any decisions or confront any real issues because you are there. Perhaps if you changed some of your behaviors, he would be inclined to change his. I am also concerned that you are thinking about a new relationship without being out of the current one. Have you been jumping from one relationship to another your whole dating life? If so, you may want to reassess why or try to be on your own for a little while. If not, then perhaps you are just fantasizing about the perfect relationship to escape your current unhappy one. In that case, that should tell you how desperate the situation is. As far as not being attracted to him, it’s very difficult to be in a relationship and not be attracted to the person you are with. If your not attracted to your partner, what is the point really? Isn’t that why you are in the relationship? If you were not attracted to him when you met, would you have pursued the relationship? My suggestion is that the two of you take a break for now. You can discuss how to do this. One extreme is to completely break up, while another option is to take a two week hiatus from each other while staying committed to the relationship (i.e. not dating other people), or something you agree upon. I think this would give you a break from leading this relationship and allow him some room to make choices for himself. As far as his personal mental issues are concerned, all you can do is encourage him to get help and possibly ask other friends or family to encourage him as well. That choice, ultimately, is up to him. It is hard to break up with someone you love and care about, but you need to do what is right for you. I have personally had to end a relationship or two that had no long term future to open up the possibility of meeting someone who had the same long term goals in our relationship and in life. If this is the route you decide, I encourage you to look for someone with the same goals that you have, however do not discount someone who does meet all your requirements upon first meeting. If you decide to work on this relationship, remember you can only do so much yourself. You cannot get his GED for him or force him to make plans. Understanding this, you also must acknowledge that things in your relationship may stay the same. Please remember that everyone does not “grow up” at the same rate and everyone does not have the “clear insights” mentioned above. That should apply to your current boyfriend (who seems to be working on finding his direction) and possible future boyfriends (who might not know at this moment if they want kids or not). Here’s to finding hope,
Ms Tic Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
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